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January 7, 2019

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Finding Jess Again

January 7, 2019

 

I don't know where to start, I feel as if I lost myself completely. I was in denial about how bad my depression was affecting me. It's true when they say that healing is not linear. I let it get the best of me, I completely surrendered to it. I lost myself, I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like this life wasn't mine. I wasn't living, I was surviving.

 

Depression is a tricky thing. You know the signs, you know it’s happening, and yet you are in complete denial. You tell yourself that you are okay and that it's not that bad. But in reality, you are drowning. I don't know how many nights I cried myself to sleep, only to wake up with anxiety. It has been a constant struggle every day. But despite how I’m feeling, I’m expected to pull myself together so I can function like a "normal" human being.

 

Depression is a liar. Depression will control your mind and consume your existence. I have been in a really dark place. I told myself that I am going to have this for the rest of my life. I will never be happy again, this is as good as it's going to get. There was no hope for me, so I just gave up fighting. 

 

Because of this, everything in my life began to fall apart. I isolated myself from everyone. I told myself lies: "no one cares about you," "you don't matter," "you have no one." I became very selfish and self-absorbed with my depression. I didn't care how it was affecting my relationships because this was as good as it was going to get for me and everyone else would just have to deal with it. I was so far gone, nothing mattered to me anymore. I almost lost the love of my life because I lost the will to live.

 

 I have been lost for a very long time, trying to convince myself that everything was okay. It has been a hard thing for me to realize. I look in the mirror and I don't know the person staring back. I look at old pictures of myself and it's like I'm looking at a stranger. It's a scary thing to not recognize yourself anymore. To feel as if you are not living this life.

 

This took a huge toll on my physical health. I wasn't eating or drinking and I was fatigued all the time. I started to notice my clothes were fitting loose, my bones were showing more, and when stepped on a scale I had lost 15 pounds. I finally hit my breaking point the weekend of my birthday. All weekend I was crying and having uncontrollable panic attacks. It was at this point that I hit rock bottom. I realized that I could not go on like this anymore. I had to pick myself up and remember the strong person I used to be. I had to fight back. 

 

The very first step I took was getting back on antidepressants. I needed help, I couldn't fight this battle alone. It had been a year and a half since I stopped taking medication, so I was nervous about starting over again. The first week I took the medication it was like a complete 180. I felt so much better, it was a miracle. I was able to function again and start my journey of recovery.

 

It has been two months since starting my medication and everything is going well. I have found my will to live; I feel in control of my life again. I have been working really hard on myself and focusing on my well-being. Starting over is never easy, but I'm doing my best. I lost myself along the way and forgot who I was, but I'm back and fighting hard.

 

Thank you to the people who stood by me during my most difficult time. Who checked on me and made sure I was okay. I wouldn't be here without your love and support. 

 

love, Jess

 

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